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  #1  
Old 02.15.07, 3:31 AM
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Critique My Lyrics, Please

This is a song that is as of yet untitled (if anyone has any ideas for a title, I'd love to hear them). I'd really like to hear any reactions, critiques, suggestions, etc. Anything from specific words or phrases that work especially well/badly to suggestions for huge, sweeping changes is welcome. Right! The lyrics:

All long-cut dip and short-cut shrift
A shortcut trip to a year you won't replay.
You tried and trolled, you plied, extolled
He never told you he loved you. Anyway,
Let's go astray, let's lose our way,
And let me say that you're looking pretty.
Nights drenched in opalescent light,
A sight extinct in this lucent city

Oh

And we'll accrue in-jokes in slews,
Confuse the sh-t out of strangers in strange bars
And day to day the moon will fade
Its light mislaid will unroll arrays of stars

We'll stay in days
Stare at shifting sheets of grey
And propose that "I daresay
That the world might wash away."

And we keep our secret selves hidden safely
In our pockets with our wallets and our hands
And our fashion sense is sensibly impractical and
Our poems like to laugh.



...yeah, I'm an English major.
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Last edited by Amsterdarn; 02.18.07 at 8:19 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02.18.07, 10:16 AM
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Either the spammer was edited well, or has a nice sense of humor.

Anyway, and sorry this isn't very helpfull, I didn't understand alot in the beginning, (I'm no english major) but I like it. For whatever reason...it made me smile when I read it. I do enjoy the word use though I'm too lazy to hunt any meanings down, and I've always been a sucker for strange rhyms and odd patterns.
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Confuse the sh-t out of strangers in strange bars
Now I want to hear it with music.
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Old 02.18.07, 11:41 AM
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I don't listen to as many bands with opaque lyrics as I used to, but these are actually really good. I was expecting to see some 14-year-old's hack lyrics when I saw the title =).
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Old 02.18.07, 8:30 PM
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The thread's title is fairly asinine, but that's a risk you take when you post things at unreasonable hours of the night, I suppose.

Quote:
Originally posted by bad smell
Anyway, and sorry this isn't very helpfull, I didn't understand alot in the beginning
As a matter of fact, it was very helpful hearing that. The more I think about it, the more I realise that what I really have here is two incomplete songs: the first half of the first verse, and the rest of the song. There was a connection in my head as I was writing it, but it was a bit tenuous and didn't really come through in the finished work. More importantly, perhaps, it doesn't need to. If I weren't so fond of my own wordplay in it, I probably would have axed that opening bit already. It seems a shame to cut my favorite standalone part, but it does nothing for the song as a whole.
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Old 03.04.07, 12:39 AM
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I don't really dig the rhyming scheme you went with. the rhymes in lines over and over is kind of hokey. there's no point in writing lyrics if the meaning is garbled up in some kind of english-language piss contest. when you are thinking to yourself, "oh, what rhymes with trolled? extolled! great!" you're missing hte whole point of the lyric writing process.
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Old 03.04.07, 1:22 AM
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I agree with the guy above me, though for what it's worth, they're very well written, but they probably work better as poetry if taken as a whole, than put to music. I think they leave too much to concentrate on if you match them up with music.
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Old 03.05.07, 9:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by helly
I agree with the guy above me, though for what it's worth, they're very well written, but they probably work better as poetry if taken as a whole, than put to music. I think they leave too much to concentrate on if you match them up with music.
+1
I have a hard time separating my poems from lyrics that I try to write. I think lyrics need to be kept a little more "simple", simply because there is music behind it that also delivers the message/mood. Poems need to stand on their own.

I like your work as a poem, but I think it's too complicated as lyrics. that's my 2.
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Old 03.05.07, 11:32 AM
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i would agree, but i when i try to write lyrics they become the most contrived crap. but when i sit and write poetry, it just comes out.

so i use poems in music. but i guess it really has alot to do with the style of music. it works with the style of music i play.

so hey. i thought the lyrics were well written, for what its worth.

- Ben
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Old 03.05.07, 3:45 PM
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by the way Amsterdam, are you a big Neutral Milk Hotel fan?
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Old 03.06.07, 2:39 AM
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No, I just happened on the phrase "King of Carrot Flowers" completely independently. While being an indie rock/pop nerd. And, um, living in a box?

In less full-of-crap news, yes, I love NMH.
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Old 03.06.07, 8:33 AM
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I like it; it sounds like Jethro Tull meets the Smiths.
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Old 03.21.07, 1:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Amsterdarn
asinine
I had to look that word up

Damn students.

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