shower lyrics... let me know what you think!

airfall · #1 07.25.05, 5:17 PM

here are some lyrics i thought of while in the shower 5 minutes ago. any suggestions/constructive criticism is appreciated.

lets all go buy hummers
so we can run over one another
and we can watch brother vs brother
in a foreign land

or maybe we can buy some guns
so we can keep out everyone
and when it's said and done
no one's made a (left to) stand

an electric fence around your mind
should be enough to leave behind
the innocence you knew

and all our superstitions
blasting over the television
you believe it so it's true

butcherbird · #2 07.26.05, 4:21 AM

The last two stanzas are pretty good. The first two are a little sketchy...kind've pre-adolescent wannabe revolutionary. What kind of music are you putting these to? Sounds like a god fit for some hardcore punk.

airfall · #3 07.26.05, 7:40 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by butcherbird
The last two stanzas are pretty good. The first two are a little sketchy...kind've pre-adolescent wannabe revolutionary. What kind of music are you putting these to? Sounds like a god fit for some hardcore punk.

i'm not exactly the hardcore punk type, but definitely something loud and fast and dark. you're right though, the first 2 stanzas kinda suck.

thanks! keep it comin' dudes.

SantaCruzMack · #4 07.29.05, 10:53 AM

I like it, Bob Dylan-ish if you're into that stuff

airfall · #5 07.29.05, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SantaCruzMack
I like it, Bob Dylan-ish if you're into that stuff

thanks! i've been listening to some Dylan lately, although i wouldn't say i'm "into" it... great lyricist though.

shavago · #6 07.29.05, 1:08 PM

I'm picturing a loud, "summer fun" type of song that has lots of melody for the first two stanzas (think Reliant K) and something different for the last two. I like the last two better though. Good lines though, esp for 5-minute writing. Keep up the momentum!

airfall · #7 07.29.05, 1:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by shavago
I'm picturing a loud, "summer fun" type of song that has lots of melody for the first two stanzas (think Reliant K) and something different for the last two.

nailed it! that's exactly what i had in mind. something fountains-of-wayne-ish (utopia parkway) for the first part, and something dissonant/spacy for the others.

thanks! i'll post an update when this sh*tty week is over.

sabbath181 · #8 08.02.05, 3:22 PM

yeah im not liking the first two stanzas at all the thirds pritty good and i think the 4th is really good...

im usually the opposite my first thigns will be good and last parts bad...

i thought it seems kind of rage-ish...just becasue its so politcally based...

airfall · #9 08.03.05, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sabbath181
yeah im not liking the first two stanzas at all the thirds pritty good and i think the 4th is really good...

im usually the opposite my first thigns will be good and last parts bad...

i thought it seems kind of rage-ish...just becasue its so politcally based...

thanks for the feedback.. i'm working on a few more stanzas and will post when finished. thanks!

SFP · #10 08.04.05, 11:31 AM

If you're gonna do something political, at least make it original or from a different stand-point, or using metaphors, or something.

airfall · #11 08.04.05, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SFP
If you're gonna do something political, at least make it original or from a different stand-point, or using metaphors, or something.

thank you for your incredibly specific, well thought out post. that was very helpful.

SFP · #12 08.04.05, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by airfall
thank you for your incredibly specific, well thought out post. that was very helpful.

The point of my post was write something original. Hummers? Gun control? You could walk into a debate class and hear more varied and interesting views on the world. You're sucking on a dry bone. Open up a newspaper and look at what's going on in the world. Even a rapper ( Kanye West ) is looking at things like the diamond mining in Africa. I don't like rap, but I can respect someone from taking a new subject and writing a song about it.

SantaCruzMack · #13 08.05.05, 5:20 AM

SFP has a good idea, but it really is a decision of your songwriting... do you want to hit upfront issues as they come? or do you wanna say something that can still last 50 years from now and mean something? Neither decision is better than the other it's really a choice for you the songwriter, anyways if you decide to hit current issues check out http://www.indymedia.org it might help somewhat.

I was intrigued by Kanye trying to expose the whole diamond issue, but I really wish a better songwriter/rapper confronted it... like KRS-1 or Public Enemy, I don't have too much respect for Kanye as a writer

SFP · #14 08.05.05, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SantaCruzMack
SFP has a good idea, but it really is a decision of your songwriting... do you want to hit upfront issues as they come? or do you wanna say something that can still last 50 years from now and mean something? Neither decision is better than the other it's really a choice for you the songwriter, anyways if you decide to hit current issues check out http://www.indymedia.org it might help somewhat.

I was intrigued by Kanye trying to expose the whole diamond issue, but I really wish a better songwriter/rapper confronted it... like KRS-1 or Public Enemy, I don't have too much respect for Kanye as a writer

I don't have much respect for Kanye as a person. His whole ****y thing and the church choir/angel wings... wow. That guy really is obsessed with what he has to do.

Everyone's heard about said topics. You be the one to teach people about the world. Be a venue for learning.