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Old 12.04.04, 6:07 PM
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Two sets of lyrics.

These are two things i have written this week into songs. I am pleased. We are recording the songs I will post them if I get some intrest. The first one is about dating a girl who loves god more then she loves you (haha) the second about paying rent for the first time.


"Breaking heathen hearts"

If you where all I had could I be all you need?
I am horrible at carpentry.
Got to your fathers house and put in a word for me.
I won't listen and he won't be listening.

So save my soul, I'll belive in anything.

Christian crusades on the teenage lovescape.
Put nails in my wrists and thorns on my brow
I know where both leaving its just the when and how.


"For my landlord"

The check is in the mail,
We implied implicitly.
The boys are in the back yard,
Sing sin so happily.

We grow up fast,
We speak so fast,
We crumble and fail,
So the check is in the mail.
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  #2  
Old 12.05.04, 6:44 PM
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Pretty good lyrics, if a bit short (though the musical part of the song could compensate easily). At the risk of seeming like I'm nitpicking, "Implied implicitly" is a wee bit redundant, as implicitly means, well, implied. Unless there's a way of implying an implication that I'm not aware of...

Also, is the "where" in the last line of "Breaking Heathen Hearts" supposed to be a "we're"?
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Old 12.12.04, 2:06 AM
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Re: Two sets of lyrics.

Quote:
Originally posted by Teleblaster
These are two things i have written this week into songs. I am pleased. We are recording the songs I will post them if I get some intrest. The first one is about dating a girl who loves god more then she loves you (haha) the second about paying rent for the first time.


"Breaking heathen hearts"

If you where all I had, could I be all you need?
I am horrible at carpentry.
Got to your fathers house put in a word for me.
I won't listen. he won't be listening.

save my soul, I'll belive in anything.

Christian crusades on the teenage lovescape.
Put nails in my wrists and (leave) thorns on my brow
I know where both leaving its just the when and how.


"For my landlord"

The check is in the mail,
We implied implicitly.
The boys are in the back yard,
Sing sin so happily.

We grow up fast,
We speak so fast,
We crumble and fail,
So the check is in the mail.
red

i don't know if you noticed the things i fixed/wrote in. try it out.. they are kind of short..any chorus?

If you where all I had, could I be all you need?
I won't listen. he won't be listening

i don't know, i took out a few 'and's' you don't really need them.. they take away from your message.
it took me a minute to figure out what you were trying to say in the first line of the first song. so i added a comma. i also added a couple periods, not correct grammer, but that way if people read it they will get the point. and fix that "where to We're" or.. something.
keep up the good work though.. interesting.
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  #4  
Old 12.17.04, 11:48 AM
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Thanks for the help! They both are shorter songs. I appreciate brevity.

Eric
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  #5  
Old 01.06.05, 5:52 PM
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LOVE the first one...and the second one is pretty sweet aswell!!

heh "Christian crusades on the teenage lovescape" has got to be one of the best lines ever...IMO ofcourse
- Ben
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